All of the great badasses of our time had their own badass catch phrase. Dirty Harry had “Go ahead. Make my day.” Stone Cold Steve Austin had “…and that’s the bottom line ‘cause Stone Cold said so!” Jerry Sandusky had “Drop your pants, sailor.”
Here is the difference between these guys and me. All of them are fictional characters (Jerry Sandusky has pretended to be a man for years. Fiction.). I am a bouncer. I am a living, breathing, hairy, American bouncing machine. When you walk into my bar with the intentions of performing an inebriated act of extreme asshattery (Remember the word “asshattery.” It’s gonna be a thing.), I will drop you faster than Creed’s concert ticket sales. If there is one individual on this planet who deserves to have his own catch phrase, it is me.
Allow me to paint a mental picture for you. Some roided-out shitburger walks into my bar, taking in the smoky air while wearing his super-cool Affliction t-shirt and indoor stunna shades. He looks around and thinks to himself, “I have just finished watching the entire Jersey Shore Labor Day Marathon. There is no need to spend a night at a Holiday Inn. I now know how to conduct myself in a bar.”
After five-to-six vodka-cranberries, Roidy (I am calling him Roidy) is feeling pretty good. He soon spots one of our titillating, vivacious cocktail servers and thinks, because his super cool Affliction t-shirt says so, that he can put his self-tan-soaked hands on her.
Nuh uh. Not in J.B.’s universe.
Faster than a speeding bullet, I come over and lay Roidy out with a sinister rendition of Sweet Chin Music. (You don’t know what Sweet Chin Music is? View this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3ebI-nAMBk&feature=related. Yeah. I can do that.) As he lays on the ground unconscious, dreaming of fist-pumping on the main stage at Chippendales, I look at him and say…
“Lights. Camera. Action…bitch.”
No. The action already took place. That makes no f*cking sense.
“Drop your pant…”
No. I already used that line in this piece. Remember that opening paragraph? Wasn’t that hilarious?
“The Jerk Store called. They are all out of YOU!!!”
This is not 1995 and I am much more attractive and agile than George Costanza. I am better than that.
I am drawing a blank. One would think that a wizard of the word such as myself would be able to come up with a semi-decent catch phrase.
GREAT F*CKING IDEA!!!
I will allow you, the loyal followers of WeDebate.It to give me my own catchphrase. Should the right one come along, I will thank you personally right here on this blog. This is a big deal. Seriously. If you Google search “Tales of a Bouncer,” my blog is like the fifth thing to come up.
Later, kids. I gotta bounce.
Look at that. Maybe I do have a catch phrase.
Remember to follow WeDebate.It on Twitter @WeDebateIt and me, JB, @DJJB78!!!